To my best friend who isn’t my best friend anymore:
I saw this coming for a while, I think, for a few years now. maybe I’m not as tolerant as you thought I was, or maybe I don’t love you as much as I thought I did. I’m not even sure what happened, but it happened and I can’t do it anymore.
the first thing I remember really being a blow of disappointment was the day you got out of rehab and promised to be at my brothers graduation party the next day, then you missed it because you got too drunk and couldn’t do the drive, or get out of bed. I spent over an hour on the side of my house, away from the party my boyfriend was DJing and my family was gathered at, talking you down from a panic attack and a drunken rage. you kept telling me “please don’t be mad” and I promised I wasn’t. i was.
I think at that moment I knew things were shifting in my world.. or yours.. or both, either way they wouldn’t ever align correctly again, there were too many cracks.
months passed of you talking to me intermittently and that was ok, I knew you were busy, so much was happening with your arrest and your ‘drug problem’ and you’re impending release from the navy. I visited you a few times in Connecticut and we always had fun, that’s what we do, have fun. sometimes I hate that I let you drink and go out though, you were ‘under control’ because I was there, but I was there for a week, thats it. I mistook you offering to pay for my drinks every night as ‘friendship’ since I was in a crappy money position and all you wanted was for me to be there, you didn’t care if you had to pay as long as I could come out with you. “you’d do it if it was the other way around, I know it” (and that is and always will be true)
I spent countless nights on the phone with you trying to talk you through the change when you finally got your release papers, where you’d go, who you’d live with (I offered) ‘you’re right’ you’d say ‘ugh what would I do without you. you’re my voice of reason’ you decided being back in jersey again would be the best, you could save money and go back to school. I couldn’t help but feel like a kid, giddy at the fact that my best friend would be back in the same state as me for the first time in 7 years. that I could see you whenever I wanted.
you decided to move to Virginia Beach, I’m still not sure why, but you moved in with another friend and I said i was ok with it, that I wanted you to do whatever it was that was best for you, which is true. but i knew that wasn’t what was best for you and I knew you’d realize it way too late. i helped you move everything you’ve ever owned from a u-haul to a storage unit and I got the notice when you didn’t pay the bill.
I started to feel a change in you immediately, little things, things I can’t even explain, like you were faking it. you had an attitude, more than the attitude you’d get when you’d forget to take your medicine and I’d say ‘girl you’re being a bitch, take your pill’ and you’d laugh and say thank you for being straight with me. an attitude that I never saw in you.
for the first time since you left for boot camp you came home and you didn’t see me, you didn’t even tell me you came home, Facebook told me. when I asked you you said it was just to ‘get some shit anyway’ but I knew you saw another friend, the beauty and curse of social media. I was mad, and I didn’t talk to you and it didn’t take long for you to get the hint, I remember when you texted me. a long text apologizing for being a bad friend and asking me to promise we’d always be friends. saying you know you were a jerk and you’re just going through a lot. I told you how I felt, then I told you I love you and then we laughed.
you came home for christmas, I saw you once, one night where you did running around with me to tie up some gifts and get iced coffee. we drove around and looked at Christmas lights and I felt like everything normal in that hour or so. i left to go to north carolina for the new year with rick and you didn’t say a word after that night, until you texted me to say sorry that you were ‘weird’ the night we saw each other.. a weird I didn’t notice, but I said everything was ok and to please come home soon.
out of nowhere you began to talk about being famous, how you were going to be a comedian like Chelsea Handler, you were going into the creative field, maybe television writing, it’s always been your passion. you’ve told me everything since you were fifteen and this never came up, but who am I to tell you who you are or what your passion is. you started doing stand up comedy, you even told a joke that flopped miserably at my brothers show one weekend you came home, this weekend you were always on, like an actor but faker and more annoying, I never said a thing.
I listened to all your stories and your writing and about your new friends and your new career choice and your ‘impressive’ resume. and how you are looking into this school and that school. for art. art. ok. thats what I graduated with a BFA in, but ok. I support you. and that will never be untrue. you narrowed it down to two schools and wanted to know if I;d go look at them with you and I of course said yes, even though I think this is all wrong, and I never told you that.
like the last act in a new play you were putting on, the day was full of drama from the get go. I spent hours touring schools full of everything I studied and studied my ass off to perfect, watching your face the whole time and knowing that even though we were there for you, you had no idea what was being talked about because I’m sorry, but you don’t have the artist brain.
here’s where I knew those cracks I talked about earlier were just getting deeper and larger.. you asked how rick and i were and I said wonderful, and that I was pretty sure we were going to get engaged soon. my best friend, threw her head back and rolled her eyes “great’ you said ‘just don’t make your maid of honor’ I laughed ‘you know I won’t be like her!!!!” i referenced the nightmare of a wedding experience you had earlier in the year, but my insides were crushed, why would you say that? you know me better than that.
you started to get really irritable in the traffic, you were yelling and cursing at people who were stopped at stop signs. for the first time ever, I just wanted to get out of your passenger seat, which was always a favorite place to be.
when we got to my house I told you to text me if you wanted to come to my brothers show with me and a friend the next night and silently hoped you wouldn’t, you were different, you were not my best friend and I didn’t know how to deal with you. you came to the show, acted strange, made bad jokes, got mad at me because I wanted to go home and drink wine and not go out, then you ‘had homework to do’ and decided not to hang with us. I was relieved, and I’m sorry for that.
that was seven weeks ago, seven weeks and I haven’t gotten as much as an instagram like from you. from my best friend. who I celebrated my ten year friendsaversary with. we’ve done a lot in ten years, and its been up, down, happy, sad - i’ve supported you through it all and you know what it all is, I don’t need to say it. you’ve been there for me too, in your own way.
but your seven weeks of silence has spoken volumes. I know your busy working and I know you have other friends that are near you, but I see you going out and I see you on Facebook and twitter and instagram with your ‘best friend’ I see that even though you told me you have no money you went on vacation and you’re always out drinking. I know you always say you’re bad at long distance, but seven weeks. you cant text me to say hello? hows the job search? still moving? still getting engaged? hey, I miss you, I love you. no. nothing.
the more I thought about everything that happened that day and everything leading up to it, the more upset I got, but the more I realized what I had to do. and thats take a step away. I can’t be there anymore, to be the one who you unload everything onto because it only exhausts me. I say the same thing to you over and over. about jobs and men and friends and locations and love and happiness and drugs and drinking.. and you don’t listen, you never take my advice, you make the same mistake over and over again.
this new you isn’t my best friend anymore. you’re no longer the first text when we get engaged, or my maid of honor, or the godmother of my first baby. you haven’t proved it’d mean a god damn thing to you.
I love you. and I will always love you. you will forever be a huge, beautiful, happy part of my past. please don’t think Im blaming you for any of this, people grow up and people change, best friends paths separate and enemies paths come together, it is a part of life. this is is just what needs to be. I am not cutting you out forever or asking you not to speak to me, I am simply removing myself from the pressures of this friendship and downgrading the status of our relationship. it’s too much. I hope you’ll come around, and I hope nothing you’ve done in the past, you do again.. you know what I mean, I can’t get that call again. but for now, we are two people on two paths, that hopefully meet again in calmer waters.
love you forever, my puzzle piece (who edges have shifted)